Dealing with Bullying
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Autistic people can be at a higher risk of being bullied than neurotypical children their age, though your child may find it difficult to communicate any instances of bullying to you. This page will give you more information on what bullying is, the signs to look out for that your child may be being bullied, and what you can do to help.
What is bullying?
Although there is no legal definition of bullying, anti-bulling organisations state that bullying may include:
- name calling or teasing
- spreading rumours
- ignoring or leaving someone out
- threatening or humiliating
- physical acts such as pushing, hitting, or kicking
- interfering with or taking personal possessions
Due to mobile phones and the internet, bullying may now occur during the school day or outside of school hours. Cyberbullying may include bullying through emails, texts, websites, online gaming, or on social networking sites.
Autistic people and bullying
Autistic people may be at a higher risk of experiencing bullying as they may communicate or interact with others in different ways to their peers.
Autistic people may also find it difficult to interpret body language and facial expressions. They therefore may not be able to tell if someone is being friendly or if they are trying to bully them.
Sometimes, autistic people may also show some bullying behaviours. For example, on the playground, they may become frustrated with other students when a game isn’t being played in the way they were expecting or if they are finding it difficult to make friends.
How to tell if your child is being bullied
As mentioned above, some autistic people can find it difficult to interpret other people’s intentions and therefore may not always notice then they are being bullied. This can make it more difficult for parents to identify if their child is being bullied. Some autistic people may also have communication needs which may make it harder for them to tell parents or school staff about instances of bullying.
Some possible signs that your child may be being bullied include:
- Having dirty, damaged, or missing clothes, bags, or personal items.
- Coming home with bruises or scratches
- Unexpectedly coming home without money or unexpectedly asking for more money the next day
- Arriving to school late or arriving home late due to taking a different route to and from school.
- Being reluctant to go to school and making excuses to try to miss school
- Appearing stressed, unhappy, or unwell.
- Becoming less focused in their school work
- Changing or increasing repetitive behaviours.
- Changing behaviours at home- such as seeming more worried, having difficulty sleeping, or becoming more stressed.
- Starting to bully their siblings as they are mimicking the bullying behaviour.
What can I do if my child is being bullied?
Talk to your child about the bullying. In this discussion, try to
- speak to them without getting angry or upset
- listen carefully to what they say
- remind your child that you believe them, that it’s not their fault, and that they don’t need to deal with this on their own.
- Ask them what they would like to happen and what they want (or don’t want) you to do
- Agree on the next steps with your child.
If your child finds it difficult to have this discussion face to face, you can try asking them to write or draw about the incident. This could be in a diary, in an email, or you could have a box in which they put their writings and drawings and you can leave questions and replies.
You could also ask their siblings if they have seen or heard anything about the instances of bullying.
If you decide to keep a diary of the instances, try to record
- who was involved
- what happened
- what action the school took (if any).
If your child doesn’t seem to realise that they are being bullied, talk to them about the difference between ‘friendly’ and ‘unfriendly’ actions. Explain that if someone hurts them physically or emotionally, then it could be bullying.
What you can do to help
Try to build up your child’s self-esteem at home. This could include praising them for pieces of work or for having good days at school. You could also make an achievement book which includes photographs, certificates, pieces of work, or notes to remind them of their successes.
Talk your child about how being autistic helps them to be good at things. Consider discussing famous and successful autistic people. You could read their personal accounts or work together to find out more information about them.
Some children and young people may benefit from professional help to support their self-esteem and confidence. The National Autistic Society’s Autism Services Directory provides details of counsellors who work with autistic children.
Alternatively, search for professionals who have knowledge and experience in supporting autistic children on websites such as the National Counselling Society or the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy. Your child can also contact ChildLine if they would like support over the phone.
Consider also searching the National Autistic Society’s Autism Services Directory for social groups in which your child can meet other young people with similar experiences.
Talk to school staff
After speaking to your child, organise to speak to their class teacher. In this discussion:
- Ask to see the school’s anti-bullying policy to see what strategies the school already has in place
- Make a note of what their class teacher said and of any actions that were agreed.
- Try to remain calm to ensure that the lines of communication between you and your child’s school remain open.
- Ask for any practical suggestions of strategies you can do to help the situation.
- After the meeting, send the school an email outlining what was agreed in the meeting so that everyone involved is clear about the next steps
The school staff may not be aware of the problem before that meeting, but that doesn’t mean that the problem doesn’t exist.
Approaches to help your child
When meeting with your child’s class teacher, it may be helpful to share some strategies that you or school staff could be using to help your child. For example:
When meeting with your child’s class teacher, it may be helpful to share some strategies that you or school staff could be using to help your child. For example:
Consider whether your child may benefit from taking part in activities to help them learn what actions are ‘friendly’ and what actions are ‘unfriendly’. Using clips from their favourite TV shows may help to support these discussions.
Teach your child what they can do if they are upset after an incident. For example, go and speak to a teacher.
As autistic children don’t always want to speak to school staff face to face about instances of bullying, the school can set up a ‘bullying box’. Students can write down details of the bullying incident and place the piece of paper in the ‘bullying box’ to discretely report the incident. This will also give students more time to think about what they want to say.
Autistic students may be more vulnerable on the school playground. Playtimes are usually unstructured and therefore autistic students may find it difficult to know what to do or know what is expected of them. Speak to your child’s school about organising some structured break time and lunchtime activities such as:
- Lunchtime clubs
- Setting up structured playground activities for your child and other students (supervised by a member of staff if possible)
The school can also work with your child to identify some students that they could play with at playtimes to widen their friendship group and reduce bullying. Some schools have a ‘friendship bench’ that students can sit on if they want someone to talk to or play with.
Consider asking the school or your child’s class teacher if they can organise a lesson or assembly to teach other children about autism without singling out your child.
Speak to your local education authority about any resources or professionals external to the school who may be able to support with implementing anti-bullying measures in school.
Instead of your child relying on one member of staff in the school, it may help to identify a team of staff members that your child can rely on and go to if they need help. It is important that this team includes staff who will be available at different times throughout the day and that the staff members included in this team have a consistent approach in reporting the incident and in supporting your child. Consistency can be very important for autistic children. They may become frustrated or upset if they feel that the member of staff isn’t taking them seriously, which might lead to them being more hesitant to report any other incidents of bullying in the future.
Research shows that a whole school approach to bullying often leads to a reduction in the incidents of bullying. A whole school approach may include:
- Encouraging children to report instances of bullying
- Ensuring all staff and students are working together to reduce instances of bullying
- Emphasising the zero-tolerance approach to bullying through posters and literature
- Including anti-bullying lessons in the curriculum
In order to get additional support in school, your child may need a special educational needs assessment. More information on getting additional support for your child can be found on the National Autistic Society website at the link below:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/extra-help-at-school
Some autistic people find it easier to socialise on social networking sites, or through emails, texts, or online gaming. Communicating with others in these ways can help to build a child’s confidence and encourage them to socialise with others.
However, your child may not recognise instances of cyberbullying as easily as other children. It therefore may be useful to monitor your child’s use of the internet or mobile phones. Keep an eye out for any changes in your child’s behaviour. If they suddenly seem hesitant to use the computer or phone, this may be a sign that they have experienced cyberbullying. To help make things safer, you could try:
- Learning more about the technology and websites that your child uses
- Taking an interest in the people your child is communicating with and be aware of the risks of them communicating online
- Using parental settings on phones, computers, gaming consoles, and mobile phones.
- Using parental settings on apps
- Using privacy settings on online gaming and social networking sites.
Make an agreement with your child about how these devices can be used and teach your child about appropriate online behaviour and how to identify when they or others are being bullied online. Encourage them to share any messages or instances that they find upsetting.
As part of this discussion, try to ensure that your child understands:
- To never disclose their personal information
- That everything posted online can be traced back to the individual
- That everyone should be treated with respect- online and offline
To think before they post. Written information can easily be misinterpreted
Although you may wish to keep your child at home until any instances of bullying at school have been resolved, it is important to remember that you are legally required to ensure your child receives an education, usually be sending them to school.
If you think your child is too unwell to attend school, for example, due to stress-related illnesses, then you will need to get a note from your child’s GP or another NHS medical professional. You should make your child’s school and local education authority aware of the situation and discuss arrangements for alternative education for your child.
If you are unhappy with any response or action taken by your child’s class teacher and have also spoken to their head of year, try talking to the school head teacher (or board of governors if you live in Wales, England, or Northern Ireland).
If necessary, you can also speak to your local authority (or governing body if your child attends an independent school).
Any bullying that becomes a criminal act, such as theft, damage to property, or assault, can be reported to the police. The local police may also be able to provide anti-bullying initiatives.
You may alternatively decide to move your child to a different school or to home-educate them.
Your next steps
- Read ‘Autism Bullying and Me’ by Emily Lovegrove
- Read The Department for Education’s advice for schools and parents/carers on cyberbullying (England only)
- Read A Comprehensive Cyberbullying Guide for Parents – which equips parents with the tools necessary to recognise and prevent cyberbullying
- Visit the Anti-bullying alliancefor information about cyberbullying
- Visit Bullying UK for practical advice for young people and parents.
- Visit CEOP: Child Exploitation & Online Protectionfor advice on online safety
- Visit Kidscapewhich aims to equip young people, parents and professionals with the skills to tackle bullying and safeguarding issues across the UK
- Visit KidSMARTfor information on how to use the internet and technology safely
- Visit Northern Ireland Anti-Bullying Forumwhich brings together over 25 organisations committed to tackling bullying in Northern Ireland
- Visit Respectme(Scotland) – an anti-bullying service funded by the Scottish Government
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